Kulture

Many things come from the fine coutnry of Finland. I'm not going to list them all, but I can definately tell you that Kulture, one of Finland's Alterna-metal bands, is just one of many reasons I'm surprised we haven't bombed that place. It's like terrorism on my ears.

Sure the music isn't bad. The musicians are talented enough to sound like every other Alterna-Metal band out there. But once the vocalist starts singing, my testicles try to escape my body in fear his whiny voice might cause my body might pump pure estrogyn into them.

I definately did NOT like the first song on their myspace page. "Glass Doors" starts out with an average bass line consisting of a total of FOUR notes. Holy shit! I am amazed the bass player could remember all FOUR of them! As soon as the vocalist starts in, you begin to wonder what happened to him as a child, maybe his mother breast fed him until he was ten years old. Perhaps he would wake up at night to his uncle Steve fondling his balls and sucking air from his asshole via a vaccumm cleaner. Whatever it is that happened, this guy likes to whine. It's apparent something happened to this guy's balls, when the chorus kicks in and his voice turns into a bad Mariah Carey song.

All in all, if you like shitty Alterna-Metal, and due to the fact that it's ALL shitty, you will love this. As for me, I'd rather listen to my cat die from fucking a wall socket.

2 stars out of 5

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