Christmas Music is Terrible Part 1

It's December, it's Christmas time, and you know what that means. LOTS AND LOTS OF TERRIBLE FUCKING MUSIC!

Now I'm already of the opinion that music written to verbally suck off someone people were duped into believing in (Santa Claus,) is bad enough. What makes it worse, however, is when hundreds of Contemporary Music "artitists" add their rendition. It's like the annoying kid next door singing Ke$ha, only you can't kill Christmas music and hide it in your basement.

So for your enjoyment, or torment, however this gets you off, I'm going to stab my ears with terrible fucking Christmas music from Contemporary "artists."

I'm scouring Youtube to actually find something worse than people pointing a webcam at themselves and talking about the banal, mundane lives. So, in between fat girls ranting about men not stepping up to the plate and getting a real woman, neckbeards pretending they've been with a woman, and emo kids explaining to me why I don't understand them through use of Taking Back Sunday verses, I should be able to find a Christmas song or two.

I'm going to do some daily (or sporadic depending on my level of ADD) posts of four music videos each. Let us begin.


Faith Hill - Where are you Christmas?



Dear Faith Hill. You're fucking stupid. Christmas comes every December. Did you not at least learn that in school? I think I remember learning that sometime around three years old. It's not surprising that Mariah Carey co-wrote this song with you. That bitch is so stupid she was on MTV Cribs and suddenly out of nowhere pulls her dog out of the clothes dryer. Now having been reminded of that horrible incident, I hate you more. Oh I get it, you're whining because you didn't get the presents you wanted. Suck it up and move on. You're lucky you got those NASCAR commemorative plates. Stop eating chili on them while you're at it, those are for show. Bitch.


Josh Groban - O Holy Night



There's something about this song, it's quite catchy, and sounds really nice when sung buy a good choir. However, when you take human male, and allow him to sing this song solo, all of the sudden it sounds like douche being poured into your speakers and tampons coming out of the woofers. Every, no matter who they are, male who has ever sung this song solo, sounds like all of their testosterone hates Christmas and took a vacation to someplace else. Any time this song comes on the radio, and a man is singing it, my own balls call my cell phone to ask why I'm punishing them.


Hall & Oates - Jingle Bell Rock



First off, this song does not rock. Second, when you peek behind presents to find John Oates and his large date rape 'stache, it means your Christmas is going to leave your asshole sore or your sister pregnant. Third and most important, WHY THE FUCK DOES SANTA APPEAR SUDDENLY THROUGH A CLOUD OF NINJA SMOKE?!!!





Mariah Carey - All I Want for Christmas is you



Hi, Mariah? Yeah, this song is pretty much bullshit. At no time in your life, let alone Christmas, have you ever wanted me. This was made abundantly clear after the several love letters I wrote you, and the cease and desist letter I received back last month from your lawyers. You would think a lock of one's hair would be a meager and attainable request, but you turned a mole hill into a mountain. Consider my membership to your fan club revoked, and my prayer shrine full of photos and candles torn down.


Tune in tomorrow when I post more terrible videos, until then I'm going to wash my eyes out with bleach.