Pop Evil

One of the worst crimes against humanity you could ever commit, is typing "music.myspace.com" into your browser and pressing the enter key. I should know, I am constantly writing to congress about myself, trying to get them to pass a law to have me arrested for doing it. That said, until congress has a hearing on whether or not they should have a person follow me around at all times, and keep me from making dumb decisions, I'll continue to commit such depravity.

To prove just how stupid I am, I have decided to listen to Pop Evil. Now I know what you're saying, you're saying, "Pop Evil? Is that a screamo band? No wait, I bet they're an Avenged Sevenfold rip off!" and I'm going to sadly have to inform you just how wrong you are. Pop Evil is a rip off, yes, but they rip off several much shittier bands, such as Creed, Motley Crue, and I think I even hear a little bit of Nickelback in there. See how stupid I am? I'm actually listening to this as I type. My brain, having long given up hope, has been trying to detach itself from my spine for about 15 minutes now. My ears have been trying to find a way to stab themselves in the eardrum for at least 10.

Pop Evil is so terrible, that the only way I could describe them, is if someone took the local rock station and put their music collection in a blender, then took a shit in said blender, and hit puree. This is a rip off of a copy of a rip off of a copy. It's like a remake of an Eric Roberts movie, if you somehow managed to find even shittier actors by combing trash dumpsters behind hole in the wall night clubs.


If my description of them weren't enough to make you smash your face against your desk, Pop Evil has 41623 friends. That's right, Pop Evil has 41623 friends. That means there are 41623 people who have the absolute worst taste in music. Ever. These people are teaching in your schools, handling your bank accounts, and serving your food. Hitler killed six million Jews, just because he needed a scapegoat for the crumbled German economy that he had to rebuild. I can think of 41623 people who would have been a better idea.


Bottom line here is, if you're on their friends list, get ready to join each other in nationwide concentration camps.

Click here if you're dumb enough to want to listen even after every thing I just said go ahead I dare you.

Pop Evil gets 0 out of 5 stars, and if I ever see them, a kick to the nuts each.

W.A.S.P.

In the 80s, shitty metal bands were a dime a dozen, especially those with a bad gimmick. Enter W.A.S.P., a really terrible band with a lead singer that decided to call himself, "Blackie Lawless." As if reading the back of one of their albums, and finding a guy with that name on it were not a deterrent enough, the band decided to make some of the most boring, generic metal music ever.

Part of their gimmick was to dress up as "shock rockers," but the only real thing shocking about their costumes, was the fact that there was actually someone willing to come up with costuming that goofy looking.

It cannot be stressed enough that 80s metal consisted of some of the worst songwriting ever. Musically most of the bands were really talented, but when it came to actually writing lyrics, it was such a half-assed effort, that you'd assume they outsourced that job to China. Nothing, however, spells out the pure vapidness of their total image like their hit song, "Animal (Fuck Like a Beast.)

I got pictures of naked ladies
Lying on their beds
I whiff that smell and sweet convulsion
Starts a-Swelling inside my head
I'm making artificial lovers for free
I start to howl I'm in heat
I moan and growl and the hunt drives me crazy
I fuck like a Beast

I come round, round i come feel your love LIKE AN ANIMAL!
Tie you down, down i come steal your love LIKE AN ANIMAL!
I come round, round i come feel your love LIKE AN ANIMAL!
Tie you down, down i come steal your love LIKE AN ANIMAL!

I'm on the prowl and i watch you closely
I lie waiting for you
I'm the wolf with the sheepsskins clothing
I lick my chops and you're tasting good
I do whatever i want to, to ya
I'll nail your ass to the sheets
A pelvic thrust and the sweat starts to sting ya
I fuck like a beast

I come round, round i come feel your love LIKE AN ANIMAL!
Tie you down, down i come steal your love LIKE AN ANIMAL!
I come round, round i come feel your love LIKE AN ANIMAL!
Tie you down, down i come steal your love LIKE AN ANIMAL!



Come ride, savage seduction
Ride, ride, ride

To write such an amazing piece of poetry, the band decided to spend an entire 48 hours, shoving crushed jalapenos up their ass, and reading National Geographic. In all reality, ol' Blackie is quite taken with himself, but I'm sure he's disappointed more than a few women in the sack.

Kids ate this shit up though, and parents were revolted. W.A.S.P. was a serious target by congress and Tipper Gore, until they realized it was just a bunch of badly dressed clowns singing about nothing.

Sometime around the late 80s, early 90s, America had finally had enough of W.A.S.P. and they were told to kindly leave. However not quite getting the point, they stuck it out and you can find them still on tour, though really it's just Blackie Lawless and an ever changing lineup. The rest of the band I assume got the message.

The following musicians look like date rapists:

1. John Oates
One half of the duo "Hall & Oates," John Oates can be recognized with his signature "Michael Jackson," hair and gay porn pedo-stache. Throughout the 80s he helped produce some of the worst pop songs ever written, in hopes that future generations would be stuck listening to them in doctor's offices and office radios, and probably founded the whole idea of a soft rock station in general. It's probably because of this douche bag and his partner in crime that we have that terrible "Delilah" radio show, where people call in and make dedications and ask her to play shitty music that reminds them of their meaningless bonds with each other. It's bad enough we have shitty music, but to have a podium for people to broadcast their meaningless, and petty lives to the world in hopes that we notice them, is just inexcusable.



2. Vince Neil
The lead singer of the shitty metal band "Motley Crue," Vince Neil has been underwhelming audiences, OK intelligent audiences, for quite some time now.
Before his "I just don't give a fuck about getting out of bed today," look you can see pictured here, he and the rest of his band donned the really terrible leather and chains look, along with a satanic imagery gimmick. It's because of these fuckwits that we now have people in Norway who seem to want to do the same thing, only they wear makeup and take it really seriously.





3. Tommy Lee
See the above, but add that he was merely the drummer in the band. Everything about Tommy Lee screams douche bag. Having abandoned the satan and leather image long ago, like the rest of the band, he decided to branch off in a different direction from Vince Neil and go the direction of total wigger/bro douche bag. Tommy Lee made a terrible sex tape in the 90s with Pamela Anderson, who by that time lost any attractive qualities because she was more plastic and silicone than a fucking Barbie Doll.

On another note, I was in a local bar once and a large friend of mine stopped a fight between Tommy Lee and some other bro. Apparently their bro chakras had been clashing for quite some time that night, and things finally almost went to blows. Imagine a large stalky guy with a long curly mane and a beard, looking like Mufasa from the Lion King, pushing Tommy Lee away and telling him not to fight in such a respectable establishment.

Brittani Morris

Ladies and gentleman, have I got some news for you! I just got an add request from the OFFICIAL BRITTANI MORRIS MUSIC PAGE! Let me tell you how excited I am. FINALLY, transsexuals with fetal alcohol syndrome are going to have their day. It's been a long time coming, but the music industry is going to see what talent they behold, and how their prejudice has only cost them in the long ru--- you know what I can't do it. I can't for one moment pretend that I'm at all excited about this chick.

Now call me an asshole if you want, and believe me people have, but I'm just tired of all these average looking, slightly overweight girls, who think they're going to be the next pop diva. Sure, it's good to have dreams, we all do, mine end up with me holding a carving knife naked in a kiddie pool full of vanilla pudding wearing a dashiki, but what can you do? I know what Brittani can do. In fact Brittani I'm going to lay it out for you right here. You need to give up your hopes, give up your dreams. You'll never matter, you'll never be famous, you'll never be rich, you'll never be on MTV.



Why is this you may ask? Well it's simple. First of all, you have a myspace page advertising yourself, and while that's generally what you're supposed to do, you want to advertise in a way that draws people in, and lets them know you have something they are interested in. The way to do this is show the product, let it stand out, let people see it in action. As an example we can take car commercials. They show us test drivers (or computer generated images) speeding their cars down windy highways, and their SUVs, speeding through immensely lit cities, or their trucks climbing tall mountains. They stand out. They're in the spotlight. So what do you do? You show us two tracks, where you're just the back up singer for a few seconds, while some typical lame idiot raps about stupid shit. It's like a Dodge commercial where they show a Stratus, but blocking the view is a BMW.


(Pictured, Brittany as seen through the eyes of a serial killer)

Not saying this guy is a BMW though, because all he raps about is the same trite, boring, and childish bullshit mainstream hiphop has been rapping about for years now. Women, money, and using money to get women. I understand that black people had it rough for a very, VERY, long time, but it does a great disservice to people like Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcolm X, to regress your entire culture into one big $100 bill orgy. It's like mainstream hiphop WANTS to be seen as the exact lame stereotypes racist white idiots have been pushing on them for years.

But I digress, what also stands out, is the fact that you can't sing Britanni. I'm going to give it to you straight here. You just can't sing. You sound like every other girl in hiphop on the radio, and imitating the same vocal style as someone else, is NOT singing. However you do a mean impression of a girl singing hiphop on the radio. Props on that.

If you want to go anywhere Brittani you have to be unique, you have to stand out, you have to bring something new to the table. Otherwise you're just another black and white fish in a sea of black and white fish, and the colorful fish are moving right by you.


Brittani I give you 1 out of 5 stars. That's an "E" for effort I guess.

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