Christmas Music is Terrible Part 1

It's December, it's Christmas time, and you know what that means. LOTS AND LOTS OF TERRIBLE FUCKING MUSIC!

Now I'm already of the opinion that music written to verbally suck off someone people were duped into believing in (Santa Claus,) is bad enough. What makes it worse, however, is when hundreds of Contemporary Music "artitists" add their rendition. It's like the annoying kid next door singing Ke$ha, only you can't kill Christmas music and hide it in your basement.

So for your enjoyment, or torment, however this gets you off, I'm going to stab my ears with terrible fucking Christmas music from Contemporary "artists."

I'm scouring Youtube to actually find something worse than people pointing a webcam at themselves and talking about the banal, mundane lives. So, in between fat girls ranting about men not stepping up to the plate and getting a real woman, neckbeards pretending they've been with a woman, and emo kids explaining to me why I don't understand them through use of Taking Back Sunday verses, I should be able to find a Christmas song or two.

I'm going to do some daily (or sporadic depending on my level of ADD) posts of four music videos each. Let us begin.


Faith Hill - Where are you Christmas?



Dear Faith Hill. You're fucking stupid. Christmas comes every December. Did you not at least learn that in school? I think I remember learning that sometime around three years old. It's not surprising that Mariah Carey co-wrote this song with you. That bitch is so stupid she was on MTV Cribs and suddenly out of nowhere pulls her dog out of the clothes dryer. Now having been reminded of that horrible incident, I hate you more. Oh I get it, you're whining because you didn't get the presents you wanted. Suck it up and move on. You're lucky you got those NASCAR commemorative plates. Stop eating chili on them while you're at it, those are for show. Bitch.


Josh Groban - O Holy Night



There's something about this song, it's quite catchy, and sounds really nice when sung buy a good choir. However, when you take human male, and allow him to sing this song solo, all of the sudden it sounds like douche being poured into your speakers and tampons coming out of the woofers. Every, no matter who they are, male who has ever sung this song solo, sounds like all of their testosterone hates Christmas and took a vacation to someplace else. Any time this song comes on the radio, and a man is singing it, my own balls call my cell phone to ask why I'm punishing them.


Hall & Oates - Jingle Bell Rock



First off, this song does not rock. Second, when you peek behind presents to find John Oates and his large date rape 'stache, it means your Christmas is going to leave your asshole sore or your sister pregnant. Third and most important, WHY THE FUCK DOES SANTA APPEAR SUDDENLY THROUGH A CLOUD OF NINJA SMOKE?!!!





Mariah Carey - All I Want for Christmas is you



Hi, Mariah? Yeah, this song is pretty much bullshit. At no time in your life, let alone Christmas, have you ever wanted me. This was made abundantly clear after the several love letters I wrote you, and the cease and desist letter I received back last month from your lawyers. You would think a lock of one's hair would be a meager and attainable request, but you turned a mole hill into a mountain. Consider my membership to your fan club revoked, and my prayer shrine full of photos and candles torn down.


Tune in tomorrow when I post more terrible videos, until then I'm going to wash my eyes out with bleach.

Poetic K!

Ladies and gentlemen,

I just got an add request from the official Poetic K! fan page!


I declined of course, but not before punishing myself with her sonic garbage. Pop punk? Rock? Experimental? Those were the three genres she listed herself as most resembling. I can't say I heard any of that, unless you count experimental, and this is some sort of sick social experiment. Actually it is.

Poetic K! is the brain child of Republican Senator, Saxby Chambliss, in an effort to make kids hate Rock and Roll music. Believing he was sent on a mission from God, he set out to find the only mentally retarded female that hasn't been on the Howard Stern Show, and put her in front of a microphone. He looked high and low, until he realized he must travel to Germany.

Once he found her, he kidnapped her and held her hostage in a van. He handed her a crayon and told her to write what she felt. The first thing that she put on paper was, "Whatever you want to do, we can do it baby!" This excited the senator's genitals, having long thought they were unable to be rescued from the mundane and unexciting drudgery that was his wife's vagina.

She began to read verse after verse of mind numbingly bad lyrics, and with every word she read, he stroked his engorged member, until he finally shot a load into her face that had been so pent up, it nearly blew a hole through her head.

"Stop drilling, you've struck oil!" he exclaimed, and he took her to the basement studio of a really shitty high school garage band.

"Work your magic on her!" he said. And with that they began recording.


You might be asking yourself by now what this music sounds like. Let me tell you. It sounds like Gwen Stefani, stabbed Pink in the throat, and tried to sing like Sinnead O'Connor through the stab hole. This is all set to the soundtrack of a terrible high school garage band who thought it would be awesome if they crossed Nirvana, with NOFX, with Jimmy Buffet.

All of this in an attempt to distract you from the BP oil disaster.

But I digress.

This music is so terrible, not even the world's biggest hipster would be ironic enough to listen to it. I think that in itself explains a lot. If you are dumb enough to even check this out... in fact no I DARE you to check this out.

-11 out of 5 stars.

Click here to punish your brain for all that rational thought it's been doing lately.

Owl City

One time I was listening to the radio, and the Postal Service came on with a new song. I said to myself, "Wow! The Postal Service on the radio, and with a new song!" I didn't know how to feel about the Postal Service being on top 40 radio. The next thing I told myself was, "THIS SONG SUCKS!" and everything I had ever come to believe in came crashing down around me. My world as I knew it was destroyed in a musical holocaust.

Luckily all hope was saved when I realized I wasn't even listening to the Postal Service.


Owl City is the music project of Adam Young, apparently a grown man still being molested by his father. He claims the Postal Service, and Boards of Canada as influences, but can't seem to be influenced enough by those two great bands to make actual good music. Let's analyze this for a second:

The Postal Service recorded several good songs on their debut album "Give Up," blending elements of IDM and indie rock, and managed to make cheesy love songs sound good.

The Boards of Canada recorded several good albums full of IDM music, including "Music has the Right to Children," and "The Campfire Headphase," creating chill soundscapes and warm music textures.


Let me stop sounding like the music reviewer for a shitty hipster magazine for a second, to tell you that Owl City can't even accomplish anything either of those bands did. Instead it's just a bad rip off, with a twist, it's commercial as fuck. It's music that you throw on top 40 radio when you need some filler in between the car commercials and the vapid female disc jockey talking about the 98 Degrees reunion tour.

If anything I've said so far, doesn't give you any clues as to how gay this really is, the following list of song titles will;

Vanilla Twilight

Fireflies

Strawberry Avalanche

The Saltwater Room

The Christmas Song

So not only does Adam Young half ass ripping off his influences, but apparently he can't be bothered to come up with song titles that don't sound like flavors of douche. Then again I really have to keep telling myself that this shit is called Owl City. So you can't really expect someone who can't even come up with a decent name, to put any effort into anything else. Even the vocals have the least effort possible. Basically Adam Young threw them together in about two minutes, ran them through several filters and an auto tuner, and called it a day, thus again half assing, only this time in trying to sound like Ben Gibbard, who can actually sing.



In the end, if you actually like Owl City, then you're just ripping of fans of good music, and half assing it too.

Fuck you.


Owl City gets 0 out of 5 stars.

Click here if you're dumb enough to listen