SHITTY REMIXES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So that Christmas video idea... bad idea... I told you my ADD would kick in. Oh well.


So recently I made a remix of a Paramore song. Now before you call me a fag listen to it. It actually came out pretty clean.

Paramore - Crushcrushcrush (punktematrix Epic Edit) [Comment for 320] by punktematrix

Not bad huh? I bet you're pretty fucking amazed and you want to have sex with me. Probably not huh? It was worth a try.

Now I got that idea because I decided that the remix done by Slof Man wasn't hard enough. It was a little weak in my opinion. That's not to say it wasn't pretty good though, just not as good as it could have been. In come my version.

Now while searching youtube I came across two other remixes that someone decided would be a good idea to share. It was actually a terrible idea, and my ears and brain are currently involved in a TV court lawsuit against my hand for navigating to their Youtube pages.

I don't know why I torture myself, but I do know why I torture you, because you're dumb enough to read this shit. So without further adieu I present to you two shitty fucking remixes that I can honestly say I blew out of the water, but then again that would be like saying you beat a third grader at a college physics test.




First we have the "Frank-E" dubstep remix. It starts off with what you could assume would be good, your average piano arpeggio and the vocals from the song. OK that's not bad so far. Then it gets into some really bad saw synths that sound like terrible rave music and it all goes downhill from there. At this point whenever I listen to this remix, my ears try to commit suppuku, fearing it is the only honorable way out. Then it drops into the worst bassline in history, that plays one sound, one note, and keeps going through the whole mess. That's not even mentioning that the bass tries too hard to fight to be heard over every thing else. Being that the author of this pile of shit informed everyone who views his Youtube page that it's only the start of an idea he had, I can only hope he decided it was a terrible idea and scrapped it. You'll notice a URL to his Myspace page in the video, but my ears are already pissed at me enough, I don't want them to file divorce.




Then we have the "Curt-Man" remix. Now stupid name aside, this remix sounds strikingly like the last one only with minor variations. It begins differently, but contains the same piano, and shitty rave saws that the last remix has, and it also contains the same shitty one note bassline. I'm thinking either someone stole Frank-E's idea, or Frank wanted really bad to finish his pile of shit opus, but wanted to do it incognito. I can't say I blame him.

Christmas Music is Terrible Part 1

It's December, it's Christmas time, and you know what that means. LOTS AND LOTS OF TERRIBLE FUCKING MUSIC!

Now I'm already of the opinion that music written to verbally suck off someone people were duped into believing in (Santa Claus,) is bad enough. What makes it worse, however, is when hundreds of Contemporary Music "artitists" add their rendition. It's like the annoying kid next door singing Ke$ha, only you can't kill Christmas music and hide it in your basement.

So for your enjoyment, or torment, however this gets you off, I'm going to stab my ears with terrible fucking Christmas music from Contemporary "artists."

I'm scouring Youtube to actually find something worse than people pointing a webcam at themselves and talking about the banal, mundane lives. So, in between fat girls ranting about men not stepping up to the plate and getting a real woman, neckbeards pretending they've been with a woman, and emo kids explaining to me why I don't understand them through use of Taking Back Sunday verses, I should be able to find a Christmas song or two.

I'm going to do some daily (or sporadic depending on my level of ADD) posts of four music videos each. Let us begin.


Faith Hill - Where are you Christmas?



Dear Faith Hill. You're fucking stupid. Christmas comes every December. Did you not at least learn that in school? I think I remember learning that sometime around three years old. It's not surprising that Mariah Carey co-wrote this song with you. That bitch is so stupid she was on MTV Cribs and suddenly out of nowhere pulls her dog out of the clothes dryer. Now having been reminded of that horrible incident, I hate you more. Oh I get it, you're whining because you didn't get the presents you wanted. Suck it up and move on. You're lucky you got those NASCAR commemorative plates. Stop eating chili on them while you're at it, those are for show. Bitch.


Josh Groban - O Holy Night



There's something about this song, it's quite catchy, and sounds really nice when sung buy a good choir. However, when you take human male, and allow him to sing this song solo, all of the sudden it sounds like douche being poured into your speakers and tampons coming out of the woofers. Every, no matter who they are, male who has ever sung this song solo, sounds like all of their testosterone hates Christmas and took a vacation to someplace else. Any time this song comes on the radio, and a man is singing it, my own balls call my cell phone to ask why I'm punishing them.


Hall & Oates - Jingle Bell Rock



First off, this song does not rock. Second, when you peek behind presents to find John Oates and his large date rape 'stache, it means your Christmas is going to leave your asshole sore or your sister pregnant. Third and most important, WHY THE FUCK DOES SANTA APPEAR SUDDENLY THROUGH A CLOUD OF NINJA SMOKE?!!!





Mariah Carey - All I Want for Christmas is you



Hi, Mariah? Yeah, this song is pretty much bullshit. At no time in your life, let alone Christmas, have you ever wanted me. This was made abundantly clear after the several love letters I wrote you, and the cease and desist letter I received back last month from your lawyers. You would think a lock of one's hair would be a meager and attainable request, but you turned a mole hill into a mountain. Consider my membership to your fan club revoked, and my prayer shrine full of photos and candles torn down.


Tune in tomorrow when I post more terrible videos, until then I'm going to wash my eyes out with bleach.

Poetic K!

Ladies and gentlemen,

I just got an add request from the official Poetic K! fan page!


I declined of course, but not before punishing myself with her sonic garbage. Pop punk? Rock? Experimental? Those were the three genres she listed herself as most resembling. I can't say I heard any of that, unless you count experimental, and this is some sort of sick social experiment. Actually it is.

Poetic K! is the brain child of Republican Senator, Saxby Chambliss, in an effort to make kids hate Rock and Roll music. Believing he was sent on a mission from God, he set out to find the only mentally retarded female that hasn't been on the Howard Stern Show, and put her in front of a microphone. He looked high and low, until he realized he must travel to Germany.

Once he found her, he kidnapped her and held her hostage in a van. He handed her a crayon and told her to write what she felt. The first thing that she put on paper was, "Whatever you want to do, we can do it baby!" This excited the senator's genitals, having long thought they were unable to be rescued from the mundane and unexciting drudgery that was his wife's vagina.

She began to read verse after verse of mind numbingly bad lyrics, and with every word she read, he stroked his engorged member, until he finally shot a load into her face that had been so pent up, it nearly blew a hole through her head.

"Stop drilling, you've struck oil!" he exclaimed, and he took her to the basement studio of a really shitty high school garage band.

"Work your magic on her!" he said. And with that they began recording.


You might be asking yourself by now what this music sounds like. Let me tell you. It sounds like Gwen Stefani, stabbed Pink in the throat, and tried to sing like Sinnead O'Connor through the stab hole. This is all set to the soundtrack of a terrible high school garage band who thought it would be awesome if they crossed Nirvana, with NOFX, with Jimmy Buffet.

All of this in an attempt to distract you from the BP oil disaster.

But I digress.

This music is so terrible, not even the world's biggest hipster would be ironic enough to listen to it. I think that in itself explains a lot. If you are dumb enough to even check this out... in fact no I DARE you to check this out.

-11 out of 5 stars.

Click here to punish your brain for all that rational thought it's been doing lately.

Owl City

One time I was listening to the radio, and the Postal Service came on with a new song. I said to myself, "Wow! The Postal Service on the radio, and with a new song!" I didn't know how to feel about the Postal Service being on top 40 radio. The next thing I told myself was, "THIS SONG SUCKS!" and everything I had ever come to believe in came crashing down around me. My world as I knew it was destroyed in a musical holocaust.

Luckily all hope was saved when I realized I wasn't even listening to the Postal Service.


Owl City is the music project of Adam Young, apparently a grown man still being molested by his father. He claims the Postal Service, and Boards of Canada as influences, but can't seem to be influenced enough by those two great bands to make actual good music. Let's analyze this for a second:

The Postal Service recorded several good songs on their debut album "Give Up," blending elements of IDM and indie rock, and managed to make cheesy love songs sound good.

The Boards of Canada recorded several good albums full of IDM music, including "Music has the Right to Children," and "The Campfire Headphase," creating chill soundscapes and warm music textures.


Let me stop sounding like the music reviewer for a shitty hipster magazine for a second, to tell you that Owl City can't even accomplish anything either of those bands did. Instead it's just a bad rip off, with a twist, it's commercial as fuck. It's music that you throw on top 40 radio when you need some filler in between the car commercials and the vapid female disc jockey talking about the 98 Degrees reunion tour.

If anything I've said so far, doesn't give you any clues as to how gay this really is, the following list of song titles will;

Vanilla Twilight

Fireflies

Strawberry Avalanche

The Saltwater Room

The Christmas Song

So not only does Adam Young half ass ripping off his influences, but apparently he can't be bothered to come up with song titles that don't sound like flavors of douche. Then again I really have to keep telling myself that this shit is called Owl City. So you can't really expect someone who can't even come up with a decent name, to put any effort into anything else. Even the vocals have the least effort possible. Basically Adam Young threw them together in about two minutes, ran them through several filters and an auto tuner, and called it a day, thus again half assing, only this time in trying to sound like Ben Gibbard, who can actually sing.



In the end, if you actually like Owl City, then you're just ripping of fans of good music, and half assing it too.

Fuck you.


Owl City gets 0 out of 5 stars.

Click here if you're dumb enough to listen

Pop Evil

One of the worst crimes against humanity you could ever commit, is typing "music.myspace.com" into your browser and pressing the enter key. I should know, I am constantly writing to congress about myself, trying to get them to pass a law to have me arrested for doing it. That said, until congress has a hearing on whether or not they should have a person follow me around at all times, and keep me from making dumb decisions, I'll continue to commit such depravity.

To prove just how stupid I am, I have decided to listen to Pop Evil. Now I know what you're saying, you're saying, "Pop Evil? Is that a screamo band? No wait, I bet they're an Avenged Sevenfold rip off!" and I'm going to sadly have to inform you just how wrong you are. Pop Evil is a rip off, yes, but they rip off several much shittier bands, such as Creed, Motley Crue, and I think I even hear a little bit of Nickelback in there. See how stupid I am? I'm actually listening to this as I type. My brain, having long given up hope, has been trying to detach itself from my spine for about 15 minutes now. My ears have been trying to find a way to stab themselves in the eardrum for at least 10.

Pop Evil is so terrible, that the only way I could describe them, is if someone took the local rock station and put their music collection in a blender, then took a shit in said blender, and hit puree. This is a rip off of a copy of a rip off of a copy. It's like a remake of an Eric Roberts movie, if you somehow managed to find even shittier actors by combing trash dumpsters behind hole in the wall night clubs.


If my description of them weren't enough to make you smash your face against your desk, Pop Evil has 41623 friends. That's right, Pop Evil has 41623 friends. That means there are 41623 people who have the absolute worst taste in music. Ever. These people are teaching in your schools, handling your bank accounts, and serving your food. Hitler killed six million Jews, just because he needed a scapegoat for the crumbled German economy that he had to rebuild. I can think of 41623 people who would have been a better idea.


Bottom line here is, if you're on their friends list, get ready to join each other in nationwide concentration camps.

Click here if you're dumb enough to want to listen even after every thing I just said go ahead I dare you.

Pop Evil gets 0 out of 5 stars, and if I ever see them, a kick to the nuts each.

W.A.S.P.

In the 80s, shitty metal bands were a dime a dozen, especially those with a bad gimmick. Enter W.A.S.P., a really terrible band with a lead singer that decided to call himself, "Blackie Lawless." As if reading the back of one of their albums, and finding a guy with that name on it were not a deterrent enough, the band decided to make some of the most boring, generic metal music ever.

Part of their gimmick was to dress up as "shock rockers," but the only real thing shocking about their costumes, was the fact that there was actually someone willing to come up with costuming that goofy looking.

It cannot be stressed enough that 80s metal consisted of some of the worst songwriting ever. Musically most of the bands were really talented, but when it came to actually writing lyrics, it was such a half-assed effort, that you'd assume they outsourced that job to China. Nothing, however, spells out the pure vapidness of their total image like their hit song, "Animal (Fuck Like a Beast.)

I got pictures of naked ladies
Lying on their beds
I whiff that smell and sweet convulsion
Starts a-Swelling inside my head
I'm making artificial lovers for free
I start to howl I'm in heat
I moan and growl and the hunt drives me crazy
I fuck like a Beast

I come round, round i come feel your love LIKE AN ANIMAL!
Tie you down, down i come steal your love LIKE AN ANIMAL!
I come round, round i come feel your love LIKE AN ANIMAL!
Tie you down, down i come steal your love LIKE AN ANIMAL!

I'm on the prowl and i watch you closely
I lie waiting for you
I'm the wolf with the sheepsskins clothing
I lick my chops and you're tasting good
I do whatever i want to, to ya
I'll nail your ass to the sheets
A pelvic thrust and the sweat starts to sting ya
I fuck like a beast

I come round, round i come feel your love LIKE AN ANIMAL!
Tie you down, down i come steal your love LIKE AN ANIMAL!
I come round, round i come feel your love LIKE AN ANIMAL!
Tie you down, down i come steal your love LIKE AN ANIMAL!



Come ride, savage seduction
Ride, ride, ride

To write such an amazing piece of poetry, the band decided to spend an entire 48 hours, shoving crushed jalapenos up their ass, and reading National Geographic. In all reality, ol' Blackie is quite taken with himself, but I'm sure he's disappointed more than a few women in the sack.

Kids ate this shit up though, and parents were revolted. W.A.S.P. was a serious target by congress and Tipper Gore, until they realized it was just a bunch of badly dressed clowns singing about nothing.

Sometime around the late 80s, early 90s, America had finally had enough of W.A.S.P. and they were told to kindly leave. However not quite getting the point, they stuck it out and you can find them still on tour, though really it's just Blackie Lawless and an ever changing lineup. The rest of the band I assume got the message.

The following musicians look like date rapists:

1. John Oates
One half of the duo "Hall & Oates," John Oates can be recognized with his signature "Michael Jackson," hair and gay porn pedo-stache. Throughout the 80s he helped produce some of the worst pop songs ever written, in hopes that future generations would be stuck listening to them in doctor's offices and office radios, and probably founded the whole idea of a soft rock station in general. It's probably because of this douche bag and his partner in crime that we have that terrible "Delilah" radio show, where people call in and make dedications and ask her to play shitty music that reminds them of their meaningless bonds with each other. It's bad enough we have shitty music, but to have a podium for people to broadcast their meaningless, and petty lives to the world in hopes that we notice them, is just inexcusable.



2. Vince Neil
The lead singer of the shitty metal band "Motley Crue," Vince Neil has been underwhelming audiences, OK intelligent audiences, for quite some time now.
Before his "I just don't give a fuck about getting out of bed today," look you can see pictured here, he and the rest of his band donned the really terrible leather and chains look, along with a satanic imagery gimmick. It's because of these fuckwits that we now have people in Norway who seem to want to do the same thing, only they wear makeup and take it really seriously.





3. Tommy Lee
See the above, but add that he was merely the drummer in the band. Everything about Tommy Lee screams douche bag. Having abandoned the satan and leather image long ago, like the rest of the band, he decided to branch off in a different direction from Vince Neil and go the direction of total wigger/bro douche bag. Tommy Lee made a terrible sex tape in the 90s with Pamela Anderson, who by that time lost any attractive qualities because she was more plastic and silicone than a fucking Barbie Doll.

On another note, I was in a local bar once and a large friend of mine stopped a fight between Tommy Lee and some other bro. Apparently their bro chakras had been clashing for quite some time that night, and things finally almost went to blows. Imagine a large stalky guy with a long curly mane and a beard, looking like Mufasa from the Lion King, pushing Tommy Lee away and telling him not to fight in such a respectable establishment.

Brittani Morris

Ladies and gentleman, have I got some news for you! I just got an add request from the OFFICIAL BRITTANI MORRIS MUSIC PAGE! Let me tell you how excited I am. FINALLY, transsexuals with fetal alcohol syndrome are going to have their day. It's been a long time coming, but the music industry is going to see what talent they behold, and how their prejudice has only cost them in the long ru--- you know what I can't do it. I can't for one moment pretend that I'm at all excited about this chick.

Now call me an asshole if you want, and believe me people have, but I'm just tired of all these average looking, slightly overweight girls, who think they're going to be the next pop diva. Sure, it's good to have dreams, we all do, mine end up with me holding a carving knife naked in a kiddie pool full of vanilla pudding wearing a dashiki, but what can you do? I know what Brittani can do. In fact Brittani I'm going to lay it out for you right here. You need to give up your hopes, give up your dreams. You'll never matter, you'll never be famous, you'll never be rich, you'll never be on MTV.



Why is this you may ask? Well it's simple. First of all, you have a myspace page advertising yourself, and while that's generally what you're supposed to do, you want to advertise in a way that draws people in, and lets them know you have something they are interested in. The way to do this is show the product, let it stand out, let people see it in action. As an example we can take car commercials. They show us test drivers (or computer generated images) speeding their cars down windy highways, and their SUVs, speeding through immensely lit cities, or their trucks climbing tall mountains. They stand out. They're in the spotlight. So what do you do? You show us two tracks, where you're just the back up singer for a few seconds, while some typical lame idiot raps about stupid shit. It's like a Dodge commercial where they show a Stratus, but blocking the view is a BMW.


(Pictured, Brittany as seen through the eyes of a serial killer)

Not saying this guy is a BMW though, because all he raps about is the same trite, boring, and childish bullshit mainstream hiphop has been rapping about for years now. Women, money, and using money to get women. I understand that black people had it rough for a very, VERY, long time, but it does a great disservice to people like Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcolm X, to regress your entire culture into one big $100 bill orgy. It's like mainstream hiphop WANTS to be seen as the exact lame stereotypes racist white idiots have been pushing on them for years.

But I digress, what also stands out, is the fact that you can't sing Britanni. I'm going to give it to you straight here. You just can't sing. You sound like every other girl in hiphop on the radio, and imitating the same vocal style as someone else, is NOT singing. However you do a mean impression of a girl singing hiphop on the radio. Props on that.

If you want to go anywhere Brittani you have to be unique, you have to stand out, you have to bring something new to the table. Otherwise you're just another black and white fish in a sea of black and white fish, and the colorful fish are moving right by you.


Brittani I give you 1 out of 5 stars. That's an "E" for effort I guess.

Click here to listen