King Diamond

A lot of metal fans are going to come down on me hard for this one. King Diamond for those of you who don't know was the lead singer for a band called Mercyful Fate, as well as going solo. Dawned in shitty makeup, and using a falsetto voice, he's known among many metal heads as some sort of "god." But let me remind them all, HE SUCKS.

I'm sorry, I can't get into a single King Diamond song. The music comes close enough to being played by talented musicians, but when King Diamond starts singing, he ruins it totally and completely and I hate him.

What usually ends up happening is, I hear a King Diamond song, and I tell myself, "Hey this might be pretty badass!" and then he starts singing and I go "This sucks!" and immediately turn it off. Now fast forward a year or so, when I go "Hmmmm I wonder why I don't listen to King Diamond." and I download some and play it going, "Hey this might be pretty badass!" and then he starts to sing and I go "This sucks!" and immediately turn it off. Lather, rinse, repeat.

When his songs don't sound like goth circus music, it sounds like songs Metallica threw out because they decided they suck. And that's saying a lot, because Metallica put out Load, Reload, and St. Anger, and told themselves they had recorded an album full of good songs. I'm sure Denmark has more to offer than King Diamond, so I won't fault that fine country too much, but they really should have known better than to let this guy record music.

His makeup is another joke. It's like he wants to be in a black metal band, but he also wants to sing like a girl. I'm sorry to say it doesn't work. Actually I'm not sorry, so I take that back. But to be honest with you, his makeup may suck, but at least it's not actuall girl makeup like Poison wore.

So I've said my piece. King Diamond sucks. You heard me, he sucks. And if you like King Diamond, fuck you.

0 out of 5 for tricking me into thinking it might be good then reminding me it's not, EVERY FUCKING YEAR.

Click here to listen

Aizen

Have you ever caught yourself saying, "I like this Metal song, but it's a little too Metal. For once I'd like to hear something that's loud like Metal, but could easily assimilate into a commercial for maxi-pads!"

If you have, then first thing's first. I'm going to punch you in the gut. Then I'm going to tell you that you're in luck, because Aizen is here for all of your feminine hygiene needs.

At first glance/listen, you'd think this is another screaming Metal band with double bass pedals. But as you get further down the rabbit hole, you realize you're listening to half screaming, half Michael Bolton having a bout of self-discovery in a hot tub by himself.

If Dave Mustaine had a vagina, and Chuck Schuldiner had tits, that's what Aizen would be. With titles like "Last Winter" and "Death Becomes her" you should know what to expect. However the end all be all of limp wristed femme song titles would have to be "Minxx" which could actually work as the brand name for a tampon. "Minxx with a smoother aplicator, it opens like a flower to stop leakage, even during your heaviest flow!"

The band describes themselves as "Aggressive, Melodic, Romantic, Tear-Jerking, Metal Masterpiece" So let's take a moment to examine those bold and brash statements.

Aggressive: Sure they have loud guitars, double bass pedals, and the occasional scream or two, but all of that "aggressiveness" is drowned out by vocals sung by a man who's become far too detatched from his testosterone.

Melodic: Well it's not really hard to be melodic. That's not something you really brag about your band being. I mean, "House of the Rising Sun" is a melodic song, but The Animals didn't put that on their concert posters.

Romantic: This is not the kind of thing you want to put on when you're dating a girl and you both want to sit and listen to music in your living room and gaze into each other's eyes. And neither is this something you could see yourself making love while you listen to it. Believe me, this is coming from the guy who once fucked a girlfriend while listening to Suicide Commando.

Tear-Jerking: I'm laughing so hard that I'm crying, does that count? More like circle-jerking.

Metal Masterpiece: Judas Priest's "Hellbent for Leather" album is a Metal masterpiece. This shit is not. It's about as far from "masterpiece" as you could ever get.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to shove Tylenol in my ears until my brain hemorrhages.

1 out of 5 for being kinda musically talented, but having the faggiest vocals/lyrics/song titles/band name ever.

Apologies to Chuck Schuldiner. I should be ashamed of myself for using a badass, deceased musician, for a joke about a shitty band.

Click here to listen

Chunky Deuce Deuce

Making fun of shitty music on myspace is like shooting fish in a barrel. Being the best at making fun of myspace music is like being the best guy who mans the drive-thru at Taco Bell. So in no way do I make what I do seem to be more spectacular than it really is.

In come Chunky Deuce Deuce. Remember when I said making fun of shitty music on myspace is like shooting fish in a barrel? Well making fun of this guy is like shooting fish in a barrel, with a RPG-7.

The story of ol' Chunky, is a rather humorous, yet depressingly pathetic one. See it all starts with a pal who works at this really shitty store called Best Buy. You may have heard of it. Anyway, in a genius move unprecedented by none, he decided his laptop computer would be safest in his car, in the parking lot, while he was inside helping mouth-breathers make important decisions about computers. When it's time to go home, he returns to his car to find his precious laptop stolen. Lucky for him though he kept the serial number, and was able to find it at a pawn shop somewhere. So after retrieving his laptop back safely, he opens it up to find photos of some ugly hick, and and even bigger surprise, rap songs recorded by said ugly hick.

So what would you do? Well he put the music up on myspace that's what he did!

That's the story as I remember it being told to me.

The first track on his page is called "We Runnin'" which seems to be an accurate prediction of what everyone who listens to this will be doing. In fact, I spent so much time "runnin'" that I am now fully prepared to run the Boston Marathon. This opus seems to be about getting pulled over for smoking weed in his car. In the song he sticks it to the man by killing the cop and looking for a place to hide. Lucky for him, he's bland enough looking to blend in with everyone else. At the beginning of the track he manages to stutter out, "Yo, first track on The Life of a Lonestar Texan" and let me tell you, when I heard that I immediately became jealous that this guy of all people, came up with the most brilliant name for an album EVER.

Then of course there is "Doin' Time" which is pretty much what I felt like I was doing every single moment I was listening to this. Thankfully the ever street smart Chunky has informed me however that if I, "snitch on a nigga" I'm "gonna get slit" and all I can say is that's very sound advice.

In "Life of a Lonestar Texan" Chunky has decided to inform us that he's "not black." No shit? Really, no shit?

If you listen to this, beware, this guy has no flow whatsoever, like he's suffering from brain damage. In fact, I once saw a kid with a suttering problem try to rap "Momma Said Knock you Out" and it had better flow. His lyrics tell me that he either has an IQ of 75, or he's taken to hiring child labor to write them. I don't know what else I can tell you about this, other than don't listen.

0 out of 5 for being completely brain dead and retarded but 5 out of 5 for being so pathetic that it's funny. So I'm rather conflicted.


Click here to listen

Click here for a special bonus, the idiots real myspace!

Dot Dot Curve

I've been called many names by people. Names like "prodigy," "talented," and "faggot." So I know a thing or two about music. As an elitist hipster musician, I'm all about the talent. That's why I write this blog. Because I get off on picking apart other musicians who are lesser, instead of praising musicians who are better. There's a reason for that too. It's nothing deep, I just don't like sucking dick is all.

There is this "experimental" band called Dot Dot Curve. Now the world of experimental music is interesting, because it's never the same twice. Really you can call anything experimental and make people listen to it. Often it's just a mix of two or three genres, and the artist will call it a day. That's what Dot Dot Curve did, only they mixed more than two or three genres. We have club music, emo, rap, and the sound of the artist's molestation as a child in the background.

Pictured: Our "experimental musician
wondering, "Why are you listening
to this?"and "Where is my manhood?"

The first song I listened to is called "Take a Picture" which opens with the lyric, "Take a razor to my neck" and this is probably one of the first times in my life where I wish people would take lyrics literally. I usually suggest against that sort of thing, because it gets artists into a lot of trouble, which gets religious people in a ferver. But this time won't someone please take this lyric seriously. I beg of you! The song is a mixture of club music and emo, and of course that molestation thing I mentioned earlier. I guess recording that came in handy, but I hate this song.

The next track I punished myself with is called, "CrunkaMOFUKKalicious" and I wish I were joking. This sounds like Little John, and the Molestation Tabernacle Choir. No shit. In this the artist has the audacity to use the lyric, "You say my music sucks," Well no shit I say your music sucks. That's because it does. Then he goes on to say, "Suck my nuts." It's at this point I wonder if that's some of the lyrics, or something overheard during the molestation.

The artist is reaching for straws when he wrote his opus though, "CuntsickleStick." "CuntsickleStick" is a look into the artist's soul, as he lashes out at a world that shunned him. He wants to "Explode on your ass" and while I'm not sure if that means he wants to ejaculate or beat someone up, I'm sure I don't want to know. But I guess he's taunting the listener to "keep on staring" so it must be some of that club posteuring, with empty threats to beat someone's ass, which is ironic considering the artist looks like he just stepped off the bus from the town of Limp Wrist, on a pitstop along the way to Homoville.

Overall, don't say I warned you. If you subject yourself to this, don't you ever say I didn't warn you.

0 out of 5 stars

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=317014598

Casting Crowns

I fucking LOVE Christian Rock! There I said it. I love it. It's amazing. Not musically, or because I'm religious, because I'm not. It's because watching a Christian Rock concert is one of the funniest things you'll ever witness. I'm serious too. There is nothing like the spectacle of watching hundreds or thousands of people listening to someone sucking "God's" dick verbally, while they hold out their arms to take it all in. It's like watching a polite Nazi rally in 1940s Germany.

Christian Rock music to me is the ultimate slap in the face to "God" there could ever be. I'd imagine if there were a God, he'd be more into things like Black Metal and he'd wear Slayer t-shirts. Think about it, this guy creates an entire universe, out of nothing, and people assume he'd listen to a bunch of bleached blonde wussies singing out of their male vaginas about how great he is? No. "God" wants loud guitars, and thunderous vocals! Sure, occasionally "God" might listen to the odd Death Cab for Cutie track, or maybe some Depeche Mode, because he knows talent when he hears it, but his first love will always be ridiculous makeup and songs about vikings.

Two paragraphs and I haven't even gotten to the band yet. Casting Crowns is your typical Christian Rock band, although their lead singer is not an alcoholic as far as I know. But they have a story to tell, and tell it they do! See, the trick to Christian Rock is to use words like, "Faith" and "Joy" and "In his arms" and "Stand before you" and throw some other words around them. In fact, you could take any song and make it Christian Rock. Don't believe me? Let's take the overrated classic, "Free Bird" and change some of the lyrics.

Original:
If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be travelling on, now,
cause there's too many places I've got to see.
But, if I stayed here with you, girl,
Things just couldnt be the same.
cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I cant change.

The New and Improved Fellating "God" version:

If I leave here tomorrow Lord
Would you still remember me?
For I must be travelling on, now in your arms
cause there's too many places I've got to see.
But, if I stand before you, God,
Things just couldnt be the same.
cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I cant change.


See? That's what you get for doubting me.


But I digress, I still have yet to say much about this band. That's probably because everything I've said already can describe them.

0 out of 5 stars

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=144825393

Jordyn Taylor

Ladies, friends, people of earth, someone, anyone, I have just traveled from the furthest reaches of myspace to inform you that I have visited Jordyn Talyor's myspace page and I am here to tell you I am a better man because of it!

Who is Jordyn Taylor you ask? Well to you I would reply, "What rock have you been living under? You don't know Jordyn Taylor?! The 'official myspace princess?' Fuckin' n00b!" And actually I'd be a big fat stupid liar, because I don't know who the fuck she is either. But I'll tell you this, if she were really popular I still wouldn't know who she is, because in a sea of top 40 pop music, I wouldn't be able to spot her. She's just another tug boat on the musical shore of banality, pulling the big boats along.

There is a track on her myspace is titled, "What's Good" and let me tell you, my answer to that question is, "Not your music." I know what you're thinking, "What a stupid elitist jerk!" and I may be, but at least I'm right. I guess if all Jordyn wants to be is a faceless commodity in an already overcrowded market, then she's on the right track. The best thing you could ever do if you want to be successful in modern top 40 music is be as generic as possible. Do everything possible to sound like everyone else, because that's what's selling, or rather that's what we're commanded to purchase.

There is a vocal effect used lately, or should I say overused, where you take a vocal, strip it of it's bass, and make it sound like it's being sung to you on your answering machine. Let me tell you that, Jordyn has realized this effect is the key to being like everyone else, and she overuses this to the extent that I actually thought she called my answering machine and was singing to me personally. "How touching!" I thought. I felt like such an asshole for tearing her down. But then I realized I don't have an answering machine anymore.

It was a sad realization too, because for a moment there I thought I was going to get laid. After contemplating suicide, I brought myself back to reality and listened to more of her music. I wouldn't be able to point out any stand out tracks on her myspace, because really they all sound like things I've heard before on the white noise that is the radio dial. "Shake it" is an amazing piece of writing however, because she's managed to make two words the entire lyrics of the song. I'm exaggerating, but then again I'm not. Listen for yourself.

Top 40 radio is already full of bland, banal, and copycat artists who just copy one another to make a quick buck, because they know one thing, their fame will be short lived, they will never be legendary, and they'll end up one day being remembered on a VH1 special where a comedian will wry and sarcastic jokes at their expense. This seems to be what Jordyn Taylor is going for. That's when you know you've made it. Or maybe she's completely oblivious. Either way, I think myspace is about as far as she's going to get, in terms of success, and maybe one day she'll learn that in this case, that's probably for the best.

1 star out of 5.