King Diamond

A lot of metal fans are going to come down on me hard for this one. King Diamond for those of you who don't know was the lead singer for a band called Mercyful Fate, as well as going solo. Dawned in shitty makeup, and using a falsetto voice, he's known among many metal heads as some sort of "god." But let me remind them all, HE SUCKS.

I'm sorry, I can't get into a single King Diamond song. The music comes close enough to being played by talented musicians, but when King Diamond starts singing, he ruins it totally and completely and I hate him.

What usually ends up happening is, I hear a King Diamond song, and I tell myself, "Hey this might be pretty badass!" and then he starts singing and I go "This sucks!" and immediately turn it off. Now fast forward a year or so, when I go "Hmmmm I wonder why I don't listen to King Diamond." and I download some and play it going, "Hey this might be pretty badass!" and then he starts to sing and I go "This sucks!" and immediately turn it off. Lather, rinse, repeat.

When his songs don't sound like goth circus music, it sounds like songs Metallica threw out because they decided they suck. And that's saying a lot, because Metallica put out Load, Reload, and St. Anger, and told themselves they had recorded an album full of good songs. I'm sure Denmark has more to offer than King Diamond, so I won't fault that fine country too much, but they really should have known better than to let this guy record music.

His makeup is another joke. It's like he wants to be in a black metal band, but he also wants to sing like a girl. I'm sorry to say it doesn't work. Actually I'm not sorry, so I take that back. But to be honest with you, his makeup may suck, but at least it's not actuall girl makeup like Poison wore.

So I've said my piece. King Diamond sucks. You heard me, he sucks. And if you like King Diamond, fuck you.

0 out of 5 for tricking me into thinking it might be good then reminding me it's not, EVERY FUCKING YEAR.

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