Casting Crowns

I fucking LOVE Christian Rock! There I said it. I love it. It's amazing. Not musically, or because I'm religious, because I'm not. It's because watching a Christian Rock concert is one of the funniest things you'll ever witness. I'm serious too. There is nothing like the spectacle of watching hundreds or thousands of people listening to someone sucking "God's" dick verbally, while they hold out their arms to take it all in. It's like watching a polite Nazi rally in 1940s Germany.

Christian Rock music to me is the ultimate slap in the face to "God" there could ever be. I'd imagine if there were a God, he'd be more into things like Black Metal and he'd wear Slayer t-shirts. Think about it, this guy creates an entire universe, out of nothing, and people assume he'd listen to a bunch of bleached blonde wussies singing out of their male vaginas about how great he is? No. "God" wants loud guitars, and thunderous vocals! Sure, occasionally "God" might listen to the odd Death Cab for Cutie track, or maybe some Depeche Mode, because he knows talent when he hears it, but his first love will always be ridiculous makeup and songs about vikings.

Two paragraphs and I haven't even gotten to the band yet. Casting Crowns is your typical Christian Rock band, although their lead singer is not an alcoholic as far as I know. But they have a story to tell, and tell it they do! See, the trick to Christian Rock is to use words like, "Faith" and "Joy" and "In his arms" and "Stand before you" and throw some other words around them. In fact, you could take any song and make it Christian Rock. Don't believe me? Let's take the overrated classic, "Free Bird" and change some of the lyrics.

Original:
If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be travelling on, now,
cause there's too many places I've got to see.
But, if I stayed here with you, girl,
Things just couldnt be the same.
cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I cant change.

The New and Improved Fellating "God" version:

If I leave here tomorrow Lord
Would you still remember me?
For I must be travelling on, now in your arms
cause there's too many places I've got to see.
But, if I stand before you, God,
Things just couldnt be the same.
cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I cant change.


See? That's what you get for doubting me.


But I digress, I still have yet to say much about this band. That's probably because everything I've said already can describe them.

0 out of 5 stars

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