Aizen

Have you ever caught yourself saying, "I like this Metal song, but it's a little too Metal. For once I'd like to hear something that's loud like Metal, but could easily assimilate into a commercial for maxi-pads!"

If you have, then first thing's first. I'm going to punch you in the gut. Then I'm going to tell you that you're in luck, because Aizen is here for all of your feminine hygiene needs.

At first glance/listen, you'd think this is another screaming Metal band with double bass pedals. But as you get further down the rabbit hole, you realize you're listening to half screaming, half Michael Bolton having a bout of self-discovery in a hot tub by himself.

If Dave Mustaine had a vagina, and Chuck Schuldiner had tits, that's what Aizen would be. With titles like "Last Winter" and "Death Becomes her" you should know what to expect. However the end all be all of limp wristed femme song titles would have to be "Minxx" which could actually work as the brand name for a tampon. "Minxx with a smoother aplicator, it opens like a flower to stop leakage, even during your heaviest flow!"

The band describes themselves as "Aggressive, Melodic, Romantic, Tear-Jerking, Metal Masterpiece" So let's take a moment to examine those bold and brash statements.

Aggressive: Sure they have loud guitars, double bass pedals, and the occasional scream or two, but all of that "aggressiveness" is drowned out by vocals sung by a man who's become far too detatched from his testosterone.

Melodic: Well it's not really hard to be melodic. That's not something you really brag about your band being. I mean, "House of the Rising Sun" is a melodic song, but The Animals didn't put that on their concert posters.

Romantic: This is not the kind of thing you want to put on when you're dating a girl and you both want to sit and listen to music in your living room and gaze into each other's eyes. And neither is this something you could see yourself making love while you listen to it. Believe me, this is coming from the guy who once fucked a girlfriend while listening to Suicide Commando.

Tear-Jerking: I'm laughing so hard that I'm crying, does that count? More like circle-jerking.

Metal Masterpiece: Judas Priest's "Hellbent for Leather" album is a Metal masterpiece. This shit is not. It's about as far from "masterpiece" as you could ever get.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to shove Tylenol in my ears until my brain hemorrhages.

1 out of 5 for being kinda musically talented, but having the faggiest vocals/lyrics/song titles/band name ever.

Apologies to Chuck Schuldiner. I should be ashamed of myself for using a badass, deceased musician, for a joke about a shitty band.

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