Jordyn Taylor

Ladies, friends, people of earth, someone, anyone, I have just traveled from the furthest reaches of myspace to inform you that I have visited Jordyn Talyor's myspace page and I am here to tell you I am a better man because of it!

Who is Jordyn Taylor you ask? Well to you I would reply, "What rock have you been living under? You don't know Jordyn Taylor?! The 'official myspace princess?' Fuckin' n00b!" And actually I'd be a big fat stupid liar, because I don't know who the fuck she is either. But I'll tell you this, if she were really popular I still wouldn't know who she is, because in a sea of top 40 pop music, I wouldn't be able to spot her. She's just another tug boat on the musical shore of banality, pulling the big boats along.

There is a track on her myspace is titled, "What's Good" and let me tell you, my answer to that question is, "Not your music." I know what you're thinking, "What a stupid elitist jerk!" and I may be, but at least I'm right. I guess if all Jordyn wants to be is a faceless commodity in an already overcrowded market, then she's on the right track. The best thing you could ever do if you want to be successful in modern top 40 music is be as generic as possible. Do everything possible to sound like everyone else, because that's what's selling, or rather that's what we're commanded to purchase.

There is a vocal effect used lately, or should I say overused, where you take a vocal, strip it of it's bass, and make it sound like it's being sung to you on your answering machine. Let me tell you that, Jordyn has realized this effect is the key to being like everyone else, and she overuses this to the extent that I actually thought she called my answering machine and was singing to me personally. "How touching!" I thought. I felt like such an asshole for tearing her down. But then I realized I don't have an answering machine anymore.

It was a sad realization too, because for a moment there I thought I was going to get laid. After contemplating suicide, I brought myself back to reality and listened to more of her music. I wouldn't be able to point out any stand out tracks on her myspace, because really they all sound like things I've heard before on the white noise that is the radio dial. "Shake it" is an amazing piece of writing however, because she's managed to make two words the entire lyrics of the song. I'm exaggerating, but then again I'm not. Listen for yourself.

Top 40 radio is already full of bland, banal, and copycat artists who just copy one another to make a quick buck, because they know one thing, their fame will be short lived, they will never be legendary, and they'll end up one day being remembered on a VH1 special where a comedian will wry and sarcastic jokes at their expense. This seems to be what Jordyn Taylor is going for. That's when you know you've made it. Or maybe she's completely oblivious. Either way, I think myspace is about as far as she's going to get, in terms of success, and maybe one day she'll learn that in this case, that's probably for the best.

1 star out of 5.